After a few days away from tumblr, I feel refreshed and ready for action. I got over the compulsion to check tumblr constantly by deleting the app for a few days so I couldn’t access it immediately. Viola, success.

There have been some further changes. I’ve decided to focus less on image. I’m realizing that when I got into watching beauty videos on YouTube a few years ago, I lost bits of my personality along the way, to the extent that there was at least 2 years where all I ever cared about was my body or hair or makeup and if people liked me for it.

It sounds melodramatic and unrealistic that my mindset has shifted so much in a few days, and it shocked me, too. But I miss the days where my head was filled with questions about the world, I was a voracious reader, and when I was bored I would go outside to ride my bike or climb trees or jump rope. I used to paint, make bracelets, write short stories, and entertain myself for hours. I didn’t know how to paint my nails, curl my hair or do eyeshadow for shit, but I didn’t care. I didn’t apologize for the thoughts in my head.

The more obsessed I became with my image, the more inadequate I felt. The less I did creative things, the less time I spent in nature. Instead I spent more time sitting around, feeling sorry for myself, eating to make myself feel better, crying because I felt ugly and thought I looked fat.

I’ve realized that I am not ugly. I have pretty hair, blue eyes, full lips, clear skin. Sitting around crying about all of my other flaws won’t change anything. Putting my life on hold isn’t going to bring me any happiness.

All I have to do is be. I know how to do my hair and makeup now without thinking, but I don’t really care about that anymore. On a daily basis, eyeliner and mascara are all I need. It doesn’t matter what the other girls are doing. If anyone I meet is looking for a friend or romantic partner and isn’t happy that I’m not faking the illusion of perfect skin, then by all means move on to the next girl who’s wearing a few layers on her face. There’s nothing wrong with doing that, but it’s something that I don’t feel like spending my time on, so why should I do it just to make people happy, people that I barely even know or like? Because they’re the only ones who really care. The only friends worth putting in the effort to look nice are the only ones who don’t care if I show up to their house in sweats and a ponytail.

It’s not worth it. If I could share one piece of advice with anyone, it would be this: be true to yourself first. I know it’s a platitude, but the meaning behind it has merit. You never truly know what others want, so address your own needs first because then at least one person will be happy.

11:25 pm  •  15 May 2012

I’ve had a health blog before but deleted over a year ago in the summer, then remade in January. Sometimes I find myself using tumblr as a vice and an escape rather than a resource as I should (same with my personal blog).

I don’t want to delete this blog, but I need some time away from it. It might be a few days or a few weeks, but rest assured that I’ll be back.

12:40 am  •  13 May 2012

all symptoms of my illness have departed save for one: every time I swallow, I feel as if I’m being stabbed in the throat.

It’s MURDER!! I think I have strep, but I know that my mom is short on cash so I’m going to wait until it’s been a full week before I cart my behind to the doctor’s office.

Plus all that singing I did tonight (in my car with some friends!) probably didn’t help, though it was fun at the time…

4:12 am  •  12 May 2012

On a walk! I went and applied to a few jobs and got a mothers day present today, so I was kinda pooped and didn’t want to run. Walking is my compromise. After this I’m going home to make sweet’n’sour chicken so it’ll be hot and ready when my mom gets home. I’m making a few healthy swaps and I bet she won’t even notice.

Today I helped my older sister get ready for band banquet (she’s the dance coach for the marching band). I did her makeup, curled her hair, and helped her pick out her dress and shoes; she looked so durn fancy. We always have a good time hanging out with one another because we’re a pair of silly geese; the house seemed so lonely when she left.

I didn’t eat much today before I went job hunting (3 strawberries and a cheese stick) so I bough Luna bars and my FAVORITE chocolate (on sale!) when I got my mom her present. No regrets, just love.

I texted my guy friend today and he asked if I regretted kissing him since it’s been a week. I said yeah, because I was drunk at the time and wouldn’t have done so sober because it’s too complicated. We’re besties and next year we’re living in the same house with 2 other people, so that could’ve gone badly! I’ve decided to give up drinking since I tend to do questionable things while inebriated and tend to feel pretty crappy the day after. I’m not going straightedge or anything, I just need a break from all of the end of the year/start of summer partying.

Tis my unwarranted life update for now. Toodles, y’all.

7:46 pm  •  11 May 2012

Approaching 4 years ago, my disorder stripped me of my individuality. It instilled in me a sense of self-consciousness that led me to mold myself to what I thought I ought to be for others. I avoided cliches, read up on topics that were contemporary and interesting, and never once did I stop to wonder if it would make ME happy to merely fit in.

And yet I never FELT like I fit in. It’s hard to deny that there have been moments where I felt accepted based on what I’d crafted myself to be, but they were artificial. People liked who I attempted to be rather than who I was, but they’re not to blame because I didn’t show myself. I was so afraid to be the wrong thing that I never fully became my own thing.

Only now after years of stifling my individuality am I beginning to emerge from the muck. The makeup that I yearned for and spent precious money on? If I could, I’d wear eyeliner, mascara, and powder and leave it at that. The hair tools that I put at the top of my Christmas list? I HATE doing my hair!

For a long time I tried to BE something, all the while ignoring who I truly was. I tried to be this elusive, mystical combination of pretty-but-different, yearning to be the manic pixie dream girl, without even realizing that I already was what I wanted to be, just in a different form.

Even today I found myself wanting to listen to One Direction and Justin Bieber, then I mentally reprimanded myself because it was too “generic” and “immature”.

FUCK. THAT.

I like what I like, and I can’t allow the “acceptable” expectations I have of myself to dictate my life. It’s annoying and exhausting, but worst is that is its dishonest. I have a knee-jerk reaction not to want to be anything “annoying” or “brainless”, but whatever, man! If you think I’m annoying, then that’s your problem, and I know for a fact that I’m a smart bitch so why should I deny myself my guilty pleasures?

3:30 am  •  11 May 2012

I’ve been home from college for 5 days. In this time, I’ve managed to center myself. Coming home, I’m told, is supposed to be like getting back on a bike, but the person I left behind last fall isn’t who I am or who I want to be anymore.

That person, well, she hated herself. She was consumed with her weight. She was unproductive. She was unhappy with her life. She was obsessed with appearances. She was self destructive. She was a shopaholic. She was a stoner. She filled herself with food and clothes and drugs because she was trying to fill a hole inside of herself. That’s not me anymore, but I could tell that I was reverting to my image obsession and destructive tendencies and that was scary.

I think the most important thing that has changed about myself is a clearer self-perception. I understand the reasons behind my own suffering better. I was able to realize that I was becoming obsessed with weight loss again, setting goals that didn’t have my true happiness in mind.

I realized this and did what I had done months ago: I ACCEPTED MYSELF. With this acceptance I learned that healing is not a linear process, and sometimes there are steps that have to be repeated over (and over, and over). Once again I accepted that I don’t have to look a certain way or fit into xyz dress size to be happy. Happiness comes from within. I get to choose from where I derive my happiness. One thing is true though, I WILL NEVER BECOME HAPPY FROM MAKING MYSELF MISERABLE. The joys I want from being skinny are what, more people to like me and the ability to fit into cuter clothes? Those are shallow happinesses. They are greedy and excessive, and not even remotely the right reasons.

Now I run daily for my cardiovascular health, and while I may be keeping track of calories on myfitnesspal, it’s because I still have in mind the goal of fitting my old clothes, and I don’t want my weight to impede my sprinting or dancing. The key difference now is that while I still want to lose a little weight, it’s NOT the most important thing in the world, and it’s NOT worth making myself miserable over. If I don’t lose an ounce, I’ll still be happy with myself, and that’s THE most important thing of all.

I’m getting back to center and it feels oh so good.

12:16 am  •  11 May 2012

(via fulllness)

11:51 pm  •  10 May 2012  •  549 notes

I’d pin it down to 4 reasons:

1. I’ve gotten a better handle on my anxiety. It used to make my chest tighten and my breath shallow, but it helps when I close my eyes and exhale deeply, concentrating on loosening up.
2. I’ve figured out how to breathe properly (in through nose, out through mouth), so my chest and lungs don’t hurt
3. I’ve learned better form (not leaning forward as much, middle-of-foot strike) so that I don’t hurt my ankles or knees.
4. I’ve gotten better endurance (mostly from things like Zumba and the arc trainer), which lessens the pain in my chest and lungs that I used to feel.

8:05 pm  •  9 May 2012

My late super late lunch/pre-run snack! 5 strawberries, a string cheese, and a chocolate chip eggo waffle. The green cup has airborne in it to help battle my sickness!

5:45 pm  •  9 May 2012

*sob*

1:10 pm  •  9 May 2012